I don't know what's going on. I wake up in a really good mood everyday then as the day progresses I become increasingly stressed out and fearful. My depot has been changed to three fifty for two weeks but I had three hundred a week ago which is why, I believe my side affects are worse.
There are voices. Voices of people I know, voices of people I don't. I hear my neighbours a lot although I'm confused as to whether I hear them or not but I think logically I probably can't hear them and I'm sure they have much better things to do than talk about me. Then sometimes me and my mum can hear them like they're in the room. So I tell myself if I can hear them when they've raised there voice maybe I hear their voices lower when in conversation.
Worrying about neighbours talking about me is a pretty recurrent problem and when I'm feeling well I don't hear a sound. I think it's because I've had bad neighbours and don't want to be one and because my clumsiness and general thoughtlessness makes me has me making a lot of noise. The voices wear me down.
I keep waking up at like four am and staying up. I stay up because I go to bed early and so I can talk to my friend who is also up at that time. I hide behind our relationship as a reason for not doing anything and not living my life. I have energy and the right mood to work on things when I wake up but I'm either up too early to do anything and because I reserve mornings for my friend.
I'm so afraid right now. I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of the anxiety in my chest and arms, I'm afraid of voices and people talking about me. I'm afraid of myself how I can't seem to do anything with myself. I'm afraid I'll never be a success and will be stuck in this life forever. I'm afraid of my mum and brother dying. My brother being diagnosed as terminal has made me realise the impact my family has on my life and mental health and how nothing gets done unless it's somebody else doing it.
I'm depressed. I go to bed at like four on because I can't handle being awake, I just want to sleep my life away afraid I'll never be happy and I'll never have someone love me again. I miss having someone to hold me when I'm low or afraid. I thought I could be successful as a writer but this blog isn't getting much traffic and I have nothing else to offer.
I do want to be successful and wealthy now but probably not for the reasons you're thinking. No, because I want to give my mum and brother the best send off I can. I want them to know that life doesn't always turn out bad, it's not always unfair. I want to pay for doctors and caters and be able to make memories with them.
Making memories is hard when you're broke. Also, because I want them to be proud of me before they go. I want them to see I'm not worthless, make up for all the times I've taken them for granted, stole from them, abused their kindness and trust. I want to give them reason to believe in me and have hope.
I'm hurting, I can't stand the lives the mistreatment my family have had to suffer, the way I e let them down. How cruel a world for my brother to get clean only to be diagnosed with terminal cancer. I finally, after all these years get my brother back and he's going to die.
I just don't want to do anything but sleep and talk to my friend. For similar reasons, to block out the pain to distract me from reality. Sleep because each sleep takes me a day closer to the end of my life and my friend because they show me love and support in my darkest times.