I don't know what to write. My mental health isn't so good. Everyday I'm finding myself stuck in a dark depression. I can't motivate myself. I'm not showering everyday and considering I wet the bed I think there's a real good chance me my clothes my house smell of urine and that's after I've showered. So how I smell or appear days when I haven't showered or cleaned up I can only imagine.
I haven't been changing clothes either. I'm really struggling to hold it together. I feel numb I guess. I don't know maybe not numb if I feel pretty hopeless (does that qualify as numb). People say they'd rather hurt than feel numb. As a mother who lost her eleven year old child to the care system, it's better to be numb.
My child was removed from my care just over ten years ago and still my heart gets heavy and I can't think about it without suffocating. We're close now but the worst encounters in my psychosis involved my family (memories and delusions). The things I heard and saw were traumatic to say the least. I just keep pushing it from my mind but it's ruined my trust in relationships, I'm so afraid I'll lose people I grow to care about, that I shut down.
Anyhow this is an update on my struggles with diet and exercising. They're not working, the problem is I'm hungry all the time and I don't get full so in my depressive state I'm literally eating to feel good. No drugs or alcohol anymore just my prescription medication. I've spoken to my Dr about the extra promethazine I take and she wasn't worried. If she was she'd recall me to Hospital because I'm under a Community Treatment Order.
Anyway, I just realised I've gotten sidetracked. I've been going to the gym, I've tried to follow a diet and I've even tried weight loss drugs prescribed by my Doctor but nothing works. So I did my research and i discovered I may be able to get a gastric sleeve (they cut your stomach in half).
So I booked an appointment to see my Doctor and they referred me to the surgeons which is half the battle. It's drastic but I was eating nothing but slimfast (meal replacement milkshake) and veg for about six weeks and I still managed to put on weight. I'm really hopeful they will do the surgery but with the gastric bypass I had fifteen years ago they may refuse.
Still I hope. I haven't stopped going to the gym and I don't intend to but my stomach has been stretched massively and I don't think I can lose weight on my own. Another benefit, I need to cut down my ten/fifteen litres fluid intake everyday and this operation will help because I won't have the stomach to (no pun intended 😋).