Lately I've been getting really down and stressed out. My mind goes straight to Bailey's but I never get one. I'm having Bailey's at Christmas and I don't want to ruin it. Figure if I only drink on special occasions, I'm unlikely to suffer with alcoholism. I used to suffer with alcoholism. I used to drink four bottles of wine a day. I'd wake up covered in vomit. I swapped this for four or five koppabergs after work everyday and told myself it was the done thing til I got pancreatitis and had to have my gallbladder removed.
I felt ever so stressed. I talked to my old best friend, it was a little awkward, not much for me to say when I'm six months out of a two year stint in a low secure mental hospital.
My friend has spent the time we spent apart getting a degree in animation, getting a first. Now she's about to embark on her masters. I'm so proud and not surprised because she's really intelligent but as proud as I am it had me reflecting on what had happened with my time since we were close.
I missed her terribly, I could talk to her for hours, laugh with her for hours. I sent her a friend request the other day and she accepted. Then she messaged me saying she'd been trying to reconnect but had an old unused email. After I spoke to her on the phone I text to say I'd be happy to travel to where she was to meet up and she text back, said sounded good when was I thinking.
I text after Christmas and she text back a few hours later saying she didn't have the time and energy for a friendship with me as if I'm some kind of burden. Am I? Is that why I'm alone? My friend is currently in a hostel. I asked my mum if she could come for Christmas but my mum felt it was a family occasion. If I had a spare room I would have offered her the room. I do everything I can think of for my friends but still I'm alone and life goes on without me.
It hurts. My mum is older than her father and sisters were when they died and my brother is terminal. I'm a heartbeat away from being completely isolated and alone. There's my current best friend and some other friends online but there's gonna come a time when nobody asks how I am for days, weeks, months, years. Who knows. Who knows how long I'll go without using my voice, rasping when I finally have someone to talk to.
I have another friend, I say friend. We were in hospital with each other. She's Polish and couldn't get any benefits until she got her passport so I loaned her two three hundred pounds. About two weeks ago she called and volunteered to pay me one hundred pound last week on the twelfth then when the twelfth came she didn't answer any of my call or texts and hadn't been in touch. I DIDN' AK HER FOR MONEY SHE VOLUNTEERED IT THEN DIDN'T PAY ME.
I have another friend, I loaned him fifty pounds and he only payed me back thirty, then had the audacity to call me the other day because he didn't have any data on his phone and no money.
I have another friend who the Polish girl told me was drinking alcohol everyday, she's drank it in front of me. I love her but I can't risk being friends with someone dependent on a substance in case my barriers go down and I fall victim to them.
Basically I'm done trying to make friends. I've lost so many friends on the way and I'm afraid to let anyone else in just to hurt me again. Later on today I'm going to deactivate my Facebook and change my number.