?

I can't figure out what I want out of this life. I was just watching The Kardashian's on Disney+ where (spoiler alert) Khloe discovers Tristan is having a baby with another woman or she was allegedly pregnant to him, either way it was on his thirtieth birthday.

The Kardashian's are important to me because KUWTK was the only thing I could enjoy when I was discharged from hospital several years ago. I was drawn to the bond between them, I used to dream of making it rich so I could be their friend. Live their lifestyle.

I've been thinking for a while now that I don't want their lifestyle anymore. Tonight's Kardashian's made it abundantly clear that I wouldn't want my life picked apart by the press and how being wealthy doesn't shelter you from heartbreak.

I respect and admire that family, they are a bunch of beautiful, intelligent, loving, supportive, loyal family oriented women. They have a strong work ethic and incredible business minds. They didn't get where they are by accident, they shed a lot of blood, sweat and tears.

I love them for sure but the lifestyle, the endless scrutiny and the cruelty of haters, the recorded pain. It's not for me. I wouldn't want to be that rich and I wouldn't want to feel like a borrower in my own home (😋). Not that I can afford my own home. Wouldn't mind making that sort of money though but I'd rather use the majority of the money to help others.

I always feared being average, being mediocre but I think this bout in Forensics has changed me and altered my priorities, changed my outlook on life. I don't want to be rich and famous particularly, I no longer fear mediocrity and if it meant being with the man I love with more children but sacrificing wealth; it would be worth any sacrifice - literally be worth a billion pounds to me.

I just want someone to hold at night, I want to be the reason another human being smiles, I want to do homework and bake, writing in my spare time. I know I'm at my happiest in the service of others, I love to be kind, generous, loving and supportive when I'm able (financially and mentally).

I want to help people, whether by writing or otherwise. I want to reach the people who relate to me and show them they're not alone, even if it means embarrassing myself or being unpopular.

I just can't quite work out where my life is going, what I'm actually doing but I know in my heart my dream is to live comfortably with a husband and more children. Family are everything to me, I just want to love with all my heart but I fear it's a dream that may not ever come to pass.

But who knows. "After all, tomorrow is another day."